And then there were four…

Well! Things between the hubs and I have been simmering on low for awhile now. We’ve been in counseling with someone who has really helped both of us. We are each separately seeking answers to questions of faith, and applying it to our lives. There haven’t been any MAJOR knock-down-drag-out fights like we had before (hyperbole, my loves! we have never put hands on one another) in quite some time. My trust in our relationship and its foundation has slowly been restored, and I feel in my gut that things are heading in the right direction.

With that said, I feel in my ovaries that I have a purpose to fulfill – make more babies! Baby fever started about three months after my dearest son was born. He grew so darned fast that I felt the newborn phase slipping through my fingers… At every doctor’s appointment, he was in the 97th percentile for height/weight, and I kept thinking, “My little baby is practically a little boy!” Indeed, at his six month check-up, he was the size of the average one-year-old.

I’ve also been experiencing some changes in my heart. Namely regarding our family, and what we want as far as children go. I have always said from the get-go that I would be happy if I never had a girl. My mother, as I was growing up, described to me every now and then how she felt a ‘connection’ and a ‘bond’ with her mom that compelled her to have a daughter of her own. I’ve never experienced this – not because I don’t have a great relationship with my mom. We are best friends, and despite the run-of-the-mill hiccups that occur in most interpersonal relationships, she is my rock. No, it’s fear that made me shutter at the thought of raising a darling little girl. Fear that she would turn out like me.

I was NOT an easy child to raise (did I mention I married a man nearly twice my age?! ‘Nuff said). I put my parents through hell. Absolute hell. Like, things I pray to God that my children will never put me through, male or female (and I’m not talking about my choice in spouse – they have grown to love him very much!). I’ve been afraid that, should I spawn a little girl, she would turn out much like me.

The past few months, that has slowly dissolved away and been replaced with peace. I can’t put my finger, exactly, on why. I think it has to do with several things. I’ve grown up quite a bit, and become much more confident in myself as an adult. I am secure in knowing that I am a person, now, that I would feel comfortable with a young woman looking up to.

I’ve also brought a lot of shame into the light from places in my soul that haven’t seen the light in years. It took hitting what I would consider ‘rock bottom,’ but I’m finally receiving healing. And, though I didn’t know it at the time, I think a lot of my fear stemmed from a suspicion that if I had a girl, she would be able to see through my exterior and know that deep down I was really not a good person at all. I think perhaps I projected that onto my (unborn) daughter because that was how I felt about myself.

It feels so good to know that, when I do finally have a daughter, I will believe the things I am teaching her for myself, as well: that she should always respect her body, that she is precious and cherished and beautiful, that she has so, SO much worth… It hurts for me to even verbalize this. I feel sad that I wasted so much time beating myself up… Hating myself, really. In fact, most of my energy went into destroying myself. To let go of that in this crazy, awkward, uncomfortable season of my life… Figuring out who I am as a person, as a wife, as a mother, and in God’s eyes… It is just. So. Awesome. Mostly I have realized that I am capable of so much more than I gave myself credit for, and I hope to continue to see this spirit grow in me exponentially.

BUT. Back to the point of this whole post… It’s been a few months since I started feeling my ovaries twitching, and after much deliberation and (on my part, at least) prayer, we have decided to start trying to get pregnant again! As you may have guessed, we are hoping for a girl this time, but I would certainly not be disappointed with another boy. I will just feel so blessed and lucky to have another baby, particularly if it happens as easily as it did the first time! (Only hopefully with less health issues for myself…)

Are we crazy? Probably! My family will certainly think so once we get that positive and, after the first trimester, start spreading the news! But when things are going well, why not take that momentum and run with it? When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! Or… babies. Whichever.

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