I apologize – I know these images may be disturbing to some viewers. Sadly, I must take the initiative in raising awareness of a nationwide epidemic. The Mombie Virus is running rampant, infecting new mothers across the United States every day. Risk factors include (but are not limited to) mothering a child under 6 months old, being a stay-at-home mom, being a single mom, moms who have chosen to breastfeed, moms whose babies are particularly fussy/high-needs, and moms caring for a newborn as well as a toddler. If you are a mother who has recently given birth to twins or triplets, you are at even higher risk – please skip to the end of this article and follow the treatment described there as a precautionary measure.
Husbands/new dads, the following are signs/symptoms that your counterpart may be infected with the Mombie Virus:
- Walking more than 2 feet across your bedroom requires at least one good light source.
- Upon asking your wife when the last time was that she left the house, she spends more than ten seconds searching for her answer.
- She’s spent more than one week cycling through the same two pairs of pants (particularly if they are pajama pants).
- You’ve run out of clean drinking glasses before she’s gotten around to running the dishwasher.
- You’ve asked your cleaning service to skip a cleaning to give you more time to get your house clean enough for them to clean.
- She spends the majority of her day topless, as her baby requires constant feeding (this is especially concerning if she has subsequently forgotten what wearing a shirt feels like, and has ventured outside half-naked).
- She hasn’t had 4 or more consecutive hours of sleep in longer than 6 weeks.
- She complains of ‘phantom crying,’ believing she’s heard her baby cry when she’s separated from him/her, only to discover the baby sleeping peacefully once she’s rushed to its aide.
- She seems consumed or obsessed with the idea of being the perfect mom, and has neglected her own needs in manic pursuit of this elusive status.
If your wife exhibits 5 or more of these symptoms, please execute the following steps immediately – Start by having her spend no less than 45 minutes in a warm bubble bath. Then, send her out the door with your credit card and a map of the closest nail salon and massage parlor. If she exhibits all nine symptoms, add the closest DSW to the map. If you’ve followed these directions explicitly, you should see improvement within 24 hours.
**Note: This treatment is only effective if you remove the baby from her care before sending her on her way.