Womb woes.

Well, once again, here I am feeling sorry for myself.  The lower back and abdominal pain I’ve experienced for the last few days has turned me into a whimpering heap of crybaby.  After two calls to the doctor (who assures me everything is fine), I’ve resolved to stop ruminating over all of the horrible things this (combined with those scary BH contractions) could mean.  Instead, I’d like to take this moment to laugh at myself.

As a highly promiscuous teenager, I immediately consulted the internet anytime my period was so much as a day late.  I read many lists of ambiguous symptoms indicating you could be pregnant.  What follows is my “No-B.S.” compilation of signs that you’re probably expecting.

You might be pregnant if:

  1. Activities which came to you easily before suddenly require a conscious effort.
  2. You forgot to pick up an onion you needed at the grocery store.
  3. You went back for the onion, and came home without it again.
  4. You wake up from a dream that brought you to full orgasm (in your sleep!).
  5. Paradoxically, you shave that bush between your legs and evaluate the results in the mirror without feeling the slightest bit sexy.
  6. You refuse to eat any seafood until you’ve checked that app on your phone with all the mercury levels.
  7. You can no longer see the top of your husbands head when he’s going down on you.
  8. You run to the hospital thinking your water’s broken, and the nurse in the ER informs you that you’ve pissed your pants.

Ladies, if you have any stories to add, be my guest! I’m sure I’ll be coming back with more of these as my pregnancy progresses.

Parting words of wisdom: Let it be.